The Stages of Grief

My grandmother was one of the most hospitable people that I had ever met. Over the last week I was constantly reminded of this as we spent the last wakening moments of her life with her. From the moment that she arrived at her house on hospice to the moment that she took her last breath, her house was full of people that she loved and that loved her. Through friends, family, and my grandmother herself, there was so much I learned and was reminded of where I came from.

True Selflessness
As my grandmother laid in her living room during her last hours she was constantly checking in on my grandfather. She was in pain and she was struggling but all she was concerned with was if my grandfather got to "watch his show." Being comfortable wasn't as important to her as making sure that my grandfather was happy and that he was taking care of himself.

She also was more concerned with if we all were comfortable. She didn't want all of us who were at the house to be sad. She wanted to comfort us and she spoke to us to tell us that we had nothing to worry about. She wanted to ensure that we were alright and that we were taking good care of ourselves.

This is something that almost everyone in my family has inherited from my grandmother. We all watched her serve others before herself and learned that this is how we should also live. This is something that I witnessed in myself this weekend. Everyone else came before me no matter how much pain I was in myself. This is something that I am beyond blessed to have inherited from my grandmother.

Final Advice
My grandmother had each one of us in the room with her hear her final charges for our lives. When it got to me, my grandmother looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Anna. Find a boyfriend, get married, and have babies." Talk about a lofty goal for the one human in the room who was just talking to her cousin about children not being real. Not to mention that I am the one human in the family who constantly states that love isn't real. Thanks for the charge, gram.

All kidding aside, this charge from my grandmother did hit me pretty hard. The reality is that relationships have been something that I have been struggling with for a while now. I come from a small Christian conservative bubble that tells me that I should have walked down the aisle seven years ago. Here I am, still single at the age of 29.

Part of me feels guilty because I don't know if I ever will be with someone or if I even want to be with someone. It is this weird feeling that I should do it because it was literally the last thing she ever said to me. I know that I am putting too much pressure on it, but that is just how it is sometimes with last words or phrases.

I know that my grandmother would not be disappointed in me if I never got married, but I also know that it's a desire that the family lives on. She wants our legacy to be continued long after her death. I may never get married and I may never have kids, but these words will continue to challenge me. They challenge me because I have been so narcissistic when it comes to love and relationships. I have been burned and it has been hard for me to see myself ever getting over my issues. However, it is time for me to start being open to relationships. It is time for me to let the past remain in the past and for me to move forward. It is time for me to put to rest the relapse of old relationships and to start to respect myself more. It is time for me to see who I truly am.

True Love
My grandfather's last interactions with my grandmother was the epitome of love. As my grandmother lied there and struggled to continue on with life, my grandfather was there by her side the entire time. He did not want her to go to sleep because he knew that she would not wake up. He continued to keep her awake as long as he could because he was not ready to say goodbye.

My grandfather loved my grandmother. He continued to stroke the side of her face as she was taking her last breaths. He would tell her that he loved her and she would say, "love you more." He told her that she was just as beautiful as the day that they met. He made sure that she was comfortable and that she had everything that she needed until the last hours of her living.

My grandfather showed what love means to all of us who were at home with my grandmother during this time. He showed us what it meant to truly serve my grandmother when she was most concerned with him being comfortable. He showed us that love means to be there and to be supportive even when it was the hardest to do so.

It has taken me almost two weeks to write this blog mostly because I have been running away from my feelings. It hasn't been easy for me to cope with the loss of my grandmother because honestly I am not ready to. I am not ready for her to be gone and I am not ready to move forward. I was not ready for Christmas without her. However, in the words of my grandfather, "I am going to have to be ready." I am going to have to deal with this and I am going to have to move forward. I can't avoid emotions forever.

Christmas wasn't the same without my grandma. It was hard to watch my grandfather break down. It was hard to be strong when I wanted to break down myself. However, in the midst of pain I did see beauty. I saw how my grandma taught us all to love well an taught us to care for one another. We were brought together through the midst of pain. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for her life here on earth and what she has taught us. I am excited to continue to use her lessons in everyday life. Here's to you, Gram.

Set the Bar

During this year as a country we have had so many conversations of what consent is and what it looks like. Honestly, it always seemed mind boggling to me that we are still having these conversations because it should be so cut and dry. It should be a situation where we can clearly say that actions made were either right or wrong. However, I can see how people struggle to see what consent truly is.

A few nights ago I was at a bar with a few friends having this conversation and a drunken man at the bar decided to join into our conversation. He rudely interrupted with this statement, "but who's fault is it that she was blacked out? If I get blacked out and walk out on the street and get shot, that's my own fault." First of all, there are so many wrong things with this situation and this thought process, but I think what hit me the most is that I have fallen into that mindset myself. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that it is the blacked out person's fault for being taken advantage of. However, it is much easier for me to get defensive of other people in this situation than for myself.

These words that this man rambled to us have been on my mind for the last few days now. I can't get them out of my head and they infuriate me so much. The most infuriating part of these words are that I have believed this myself. There have been times that I have tried to justify as being my fault because "I had too much to drink" or "I sent the wrong signals." It has been so easy for me to take the blame because there were parts of the situation that I had control over. It was easy to let it be my fault because even though I had said no, I should have never been in the situation in the first place. 

This has brought me to a very dangerous place in relationships. First of all, it has caused me to never process or talk about past situations in a healthy way. I allowed lies and fears to take away my voice. I felt like I had to take ownership over what had happened. This brought me up to fabricating a story of what happened versus the true story. I felt that if I spoke about the situation in a way that made it seem like I was all in that it would get rid of some of the guilt that I was feeling.

Aside from not being able to process in a healthy way, this way of thinking caused me to bring down the bar in my own relationships. My thoughts were that I wasn't desirable as a significant other, but only a friends with benefits. This pushed me to falling back into what was comfortable. I started to fall back into relationships that were unhealthy and that were not good for me, but they were still comfortable. Even though I wasn't being treated as I should have been, some type of affection was still affection. Falling back into this only kept me even more quiet because I was making the situation for myself.

A lot of these things I have not spoken to anyone before. I have held stories and situations in because of fear and judgment. It has been a long road of not speaking only because it was truly hard to find my voice. I can continually empower other human beings and help them to see their worth, but I am my toughest critic. I have honestly thought that I do not deserve to have better. I have thought that I will never be able to find better. I have thought that I only get what I deserve.

These lies that I have always believed have started to be shattered. The drunken man in the bar pushed me to move forward. If I am going to get so infuriated about others, I should get infuriated about myself. If I am constantly telling others that they need to seek out the love that they actually deserve then I should as well. It's going to be a long road of healing, but I think that it is something that I can accomplish.

Onward

Intentional Community was always a buzzword that I cringed at during my time at Taylor. I felt that it was overused and complete bullshit. Ironically, it was also the reason that I chose to go to Taylor because although it was overused and seemed fake there was still something about it. It wasn't until I hit the "real world" that I truly had a desire for this buzzword that I mocked so often before.

Through my time in Indy, I have had my deep friendships and deep communities, but most have moved around and shifted. Through life situations, we have all had our times where we are more intentional and times where we are less intentional. To be honest, it has left me feeling lonely at times. However, through the past few months, my desire to be connected and intentional has been stronger than it has been in a long time.

The Carrollton, the place I call home, became something so much more than just a place to host things and a place to sleep. It became a place of intentional community and a safe place for me. The humans that I have lived with for the past few months have retaught me what it looks like to challenge and be challenged. They have helped reminded me and helped me learn some pretty great things about what it means to love greatly. Here's just a few of the things that I have learned.

You're Not A Winner
Pretty much anyone who is close to me knows that I like to challenge others and there is a secret side to me that wants to always win. No one is a winner in relationships. As Marshall and Lily once said, "We need to stop keeping score." This is something that we do so often in relationships. We try to one up in the arguments, the jokes, and the relationship in general. Instead of winning we just end up hurt with a weakened relationship or none at all.

Receive Grace as well as Give Grace
Grace has always been a concept for me that isn't hard to grasp when it comes to giving it out. However, receiving grace isn't always the easiest for me. I don't like to let people down and I don't want to be the reason for people's pain. The Carrollton has taught me much about grace in the last few months. It has taught me that in order to truly grow in relationships we must have grace for ourselves as well as have grace for others. If we do not have grace for ourselves, we will be stunted and will not grow. We will not be able to give grace as freely when we cannot receive it for ourselves.

In This House We Talk About Our Feelings
Living with different communication styles isn't always the easiest thing to do. Communicating isn't always the most fun thing to do. Feelings just suck in general. Even in the midst of communication struggles, The Carrollton has helped me to relearn the importance of communication. It has helped me to understand that it is important to learn the communication styles of those you love in order to be able to have a better relationship with them. It has helped remind me that feelings and emotions can make communication messy, but that is the most important time to communicate. Without talking through emotions and feelings, we do not move forward but only backwards.

Slay Your Demons
This season of my life has only shown me that my demons are out to get me every minute of the day. The Carrollton has reminded me that those demons do not have power over me. This community has reminded me that the demons that I fight are not only mine to fight. I have been reminded of what it looks like to have humans who love me surround me with encouragement and the power to fight. Demons aren't that scary when you have people on your side to slay.

These aren't the few things that the Carrollton Community has taught me in the past few months, but they are definitely some of the key things that I have learned. To be honest, I was really bummed to put this chapter to rest at first but I am regularly reminded that this isn't the end. Living in a house with humans creates an automatic community, but leaving doesn't bring it to an end. The intentional community of The Carrollton will continue on even without the house itself and I am excited to see where it takes us. Here's to Christian buzzwords and how they can at times be completely necessary and accurate.

Susie Told Me to Run Away

I know that I have already written a "New Year, New You" post, but here is the continued learning from 2017 so far.

Many people haven’t had the greatest of things to say about 2016 and to be honest I don’t really have much good to say about it either. There were good times, but the reality is that 2016 wasn’t the greatest year overall for me. With 2016 leaving me bummed, I decided that 2017 had to be different. To move forward in the new year meant that I had to figure out what I wanted the new year to look like. With that being the case, I took a solo self exploration trip last weekend to Nashville to really think through things.

Here is what I learned:

1. I should runaway from my problems (Susie told me to).
2. Always tie up your imaginary horse.
3. Words don’t mean anything.

I should run away from my problems (Susie told me to)...
I had some time to meet with a good friend when I escaped from reality. During that time she told me that the best thing that I could do was run away from my problems. Okay, so what she really told me was that I needed to NOT run away from my problems. I have this tendency when people who care for me are telling me one thing that I hear the complete opposite.

During the last year, I spent a lot of time processing what was happening, but the truth is that I didn’t process what I needed to when I needed to. I allowed myself to get overburdened and I suppressed things that I didn’t want to deal with. Moving on meant growth and growth meant pain. I didn’t want to feel the pain. I didn’t want to go through my laundry list of issues that the year had brought on. I wanted to stop feeling inadequate and wanted to feel whole, but running away was the only thing I felt I could do.

Spending time with my dear friend last weekend helped me to let my guard down. It allowed me to take time to myself and really see how I needed to stop running and start dealing with what has been going on. I had time to spend alone and allow myself to think which allowed me to understand that I needed to wrestle through my issues. I was reminded that the only way to get through issues was to deal with them one at a time. Instead of running away, I need to run towards those issues and embrace them. I can only learn once I have started to actually handle

what is going on.

Always tie up your imaginary horse…

This really doesn’t have anything to do with anything except for the fact that Susie wanted me to add it in here. While we were walking through the woods, we saw a sign that said, “Please tie up your horse.” Susie made it a point to tell me to tie up my horse before we headed down to the river. I tied up my imaginary horse and we continued on to the river.

One thing that I can actually pull from this is that I have great friends that challenge me to be creative and imaginative. Even in the midst of anxiety, sadness, and chaos I have friends who provoke me to act like a child and to let loose. I have learned that it is in the times where everything feels so heavy that it is necessary to laugh and to have a good time. After all, they say that laughter is the best medicine.

Words don’t mean anything…

During my time of processing with Susie, I realized how this is a lie that I believe more than I would ever admit. I am as vulnerable as I want to be, but I have the tendency to keep myself from letting words affect me. I don’t take in compliments and allow myself to hear truth. I don’t allow myself to be hurt when I need to from the words spoken to me by dear friends. I don’t allow myself to be sad when I am put down. I don’t let words say what they are meant to say, but instead I allow myself to believe the lie that they don’t mean anything.

I want this year to be a year that I allow words to sink in, but not over think the words that are being said to me. I want words to hold the weight that they are supposed to hold. I want to think carefully through how I speak to and of others. The truth is that words have meanings for a reason and I need to be real about those meanings.

That my friends is what I learned on my solo weekend to Nashville. Even though 2016 wasn’t my favorite year, I believe that it has brought some thoughtful challenges for me to accept for 2017. I am ready to move forward this year and to allow myself to be renewed.

New Year, New You

The beginning of a new year always brings questions and challenges. We read statuses about "New Year, New You" and have conversations about who we want to become. We think through the all of the good times and the mistakes that we have made in the previous year. We take all of that only to start over new and wipe the slate clean. As the reminders have been strong around me over the past few days, I too have been thinking about what 2017 will bring.

To be completely honest, 2016 wasn't the greatest nor was it the worst. It definitely brought some challenges and at times I was knocked down, but I also had some pretty great times. The past couple of days have really challenged me and have challenged me in who I really want to be in 2017. I don't want to become someone new, but I do want to continue to grow in who I am. 

Here's what 2016 taught me:

Family is important. I care about my family and I appreciate them, but to be honest I haven't always been the closest to them. During the past year, I truly started to understand the importance of my family. Last year challenged me to be more of a support in my family and to be strong when it was hard for others to be. It challenged me to be there even when being there was the last thing I wanted to do.

Grace is necessary. Relationships are messy. As we get older, the messier they seem to get. We hurt others and are hurt by those who care for us. We break hearts and get ours broken. We have arguments and say things that we don't mean. The reality is that in the midst of all of the pain that we put each other through, we need grace. We need to show grace to each other and we need to show grace to ourselves because in the end those relationships that we fight for are worth it. 

Give grace, but speak truth. Being gracious doesn't mean not being honest. Be honest about what truly happened. Be honest with yourself about how you are hurting yourself. Be honest about telling others how you feel. Speak truth in order to give grace, grow, and move forward. We all need to hear truth in the midst of struggle because that is the only way we will grow.

Don't disregard feelings. I struggle with not talking about things with people because I feel that I am burdening them. We all have those constant struggles that we go through and it is easy to push those aside. However, the reality is that we still need to be real about what is happening in our lives. Just because we have a reoccurring struggle does not make it any easier to handle. It reoccurs for a reason and there is a deeper root. We have to keep talking through them and being real about how it is affecting us. 

Here's to what I am going to do in 2017:

Continue to be a better sister and daughter. I want to continue to grow and be there for my family. I want to be challenged by my family and I want to make more memories with them.

Accept grace and give grace to myself. I want to continue to learn how to be gracious towards others, but I want to be able to more fully receive grace. I want to be able to own the mistakes I make and to give myself the grace I need to grow. I want to be able to accept grace from others and to see my true worth.

Be honest and communicate more often. I don't want to allow situations to get to the point where they break me or to a point where I hurt others. I want to continue to communicate more clearly with those who I am in community with but also be able to be vulnerable when necessary. 

Be real with emotions even when they seem stupid. I want to continue to learn how to embrace what I am feeling in order to grow. I want to grow in owning situations and learn how to better process through them. 

Last year started to shape me into a better human and I want to continue to become a better version of that person. I have set the typical resolutions, but these are goals that I really want to continue in 2017. I don't want to start over, I want to become better. Here's to the new year.

The Plague of Anxiety

Anxiety is a beast that I have yet learned to tame. It is unpredictable and sneaks up at the worst possible times. It’s not always triggered by the same things and it completely cripples its victims. Needless to say it is the worst.

I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life but it’s recently been a topic of conversation. I usually keep my anxiety to myself and don’t talk through it. I have found in the past that it is hard to talk through with people who don’t struggle with it. They always want to make it better or make it go away when it just doesn’t work that way. Because of this reaction I get more anxious to talk about it which in return gives me panic attacks and makes the whole situation worse.

As I was talking to a friend yesterday she told me that she is fearful of how I do not show my anxiety when it is having an affect on me. My normal response was that I have to keep it under control and by letting it show is letting it control me. I have justified that by not talking through it or by keeping it on the down low that I am controlling it. However, the more that I process this the more I realize that I am letting anxiety control me. I am letting my fear of reactions control the way that I handle the situation or even the way that I let it affect me.

The reality is that our society doesn’t allow for the normalcy of anxiety. We deem anxiety and depression as some kind of abnormality. Despite the multitude of conversations that have come up in the past couple of years, there is still a stigma about this issue that does not allow humans to be who they are in the midst of their struggles.

Our culture does a good job of trying to find the root of these issues, but as a Christian woman who struggles with both anxiety and depression I want to be very honest about what does not help. It does not help to have someone ask you about if you think it could be spiritual warfare. Yes, I have thought through this and yes I think that it plays a factor into my mental health but it is not the root of the issue. It is not solely resting on my relationship with God or with the amount of time I spend in the Word. Instead of harping on the spiritual warfare and how it must be satan that is doing this, pray for those who have anxiety and depression. Be encouraging with the Word.

It does not help to remind us of how we should go see a counselor or therapist. Chances are that we have tried this or we aren’t at a point where we feel comfortable going. The reality is that sometimes we just need those around us to hear us and to be there. This doesn’t mean finding a solution to what is wrong, but it means to be a good friend who is caring and loving. Sometimes it means just giving us a hug or an encouraging word because we need to know that we aren’t alone.

Finally, it does not help to hear that it will get better. It might get better in the future, I am not discounting that, but it might not. This may be something that we struggle with for the rest of our lives. We understand that it might be something that will always be hanging over our heads. Of course this isn’t ideal, but it is reality. The truth is that we need our friends and family to understand this as well. We know that those who surround us want it to go away as much as we do, but we need the support of reality. We need to have people around us not try to understand what we are going through but just to understand in general.

This isn’t meant to sound negative or cynical but is an honest post about what I have been struggling with. I think that I struggle more with it because people look at anxiety and depression as being fearful and sad. It’s hard to recognize it as more than just that and realize that it is an illness. However, in the midst of all of this I do find joy and happiness. I do not let this destroy my life and not let me live, but some days are harder than others. My challenge to all humans is to start hearing out the words of those who struggle with this. Don’t be a fixer, but be a listener. Allow people to have a place to put their trust and a place that helps them to feel safe. Don’t be afraid to voice concerns, but know the audience you speak to. Most of all, don’t downplay the reality of anxiety and depression.

10

Two days ago I was sitting with my family and my father had mentioned that he was asked to be interviewed for the 10 year anniversary of the Taylor accident. There was frustration in his voice as he talked about it and he responded with, "they all want to remember it when there are a few of us who are just trying to forget." The pain and the frustration in my father's comments made this year's anniversary harder for me than in the past. 

In all honesty I don't want to forget the accident and to the reality is that I will never be able to forget the accident. It changed my life forever and has shaped me into the human being that I am in. However, the pain that my father has gone through within these ten years has brought me to a place where I am fearful to talk about it. Part of me feels dumb to continue to grieve after ten years and another part feels that for my father's sake I should forget it. 

Throughout the day yesterday, I did not have much processing time or reaction to the accident. As the day went on there were more and more posts and texts that came in that eventually brought me to a breakdown point. We recognize the event as we have gone through life and everyone has moved on. We have grown and we have been through life, but I don't feel like it was ten years ago. I feel like everything happened yesterday and my life is continuing to be impacted by it. A lot of our lives are being impacted by it day after day. It's hard to believe that it was ten years because it has felt more like one day. 

I don't want to forget this day ever happened and I want to continue to remember it. I would love to forget some of the pain, but the truth is that through the pain I have grown. Ten years later and I am still learning from the lives of the people who died that day. I am grateful for the interactions that I did have during their times at Taylor. I am grateful for the people that they had become at that time and how they impacted so many lives around them. I am grateful for how they taught me to love others and that everyone in my life that I come in contact with is important. I am grateful to grieve because grieving means that there was meaning in that accident. 

The accident still challenges me in the goodness of God. Even when I don't want to listen or when I am trying to run away, he continues to speak through this event. I have seen what he has done through this and what he continues to do. Here's to ten years of remembrance and to those lives who have had such an impact on who I am today.